I got married when I was 20 years old. My husband and I had been together for over 3 years and I felt it was time. I know some people would say that was young, but I didn't care. I knew what I wanted and I was ready to be a wife and soon a mother. I had always planned to have kids when I was young. My mom was 18 when she had my brother and 21 when she had me. Because of that my grandparents are younger and my great-grandmother, who is 96, is still living. I wanted my children to know their grandparents and great grandparents. So when I got married I had a plan. Soon I realized that plan would not come to fruition because my husband was still in school and I was the main money maker, so having children was put on hold. We were finally ready right after my 26th birthday. We amazingly got pregnant really quickly. I always had this thought that it would be hard for me to have children because my cycles were so screwy. Sadly we would go on to lose that baby at 12wks. That was the day my life changed forever and my journey with infertility began.
Even throughout my 4 years of infertility I would still find myself making plans...if I got pregnant in this month then the baby would be born in this month, I can't go on that vacation because I will be too pregnant, I want to have my first child before I am 30... None of my plans ever worked out. I eventually had to admit I was not in control and I had nothing to do with when/if I would have a baby. It is hard to let go of that control when you are in the midst of fertility treatments. Taking medications, shots, having sonograms and blood work. Realizing that all you are doing and all the money you are spending may not end in a baby. But that is how it goes when you give your life to Jesus. He is in control, I guess He is really in control even if you don't believe in Him, but at least believing in Him means there is peace and grace and mercy.
During my infertility struggles I became pregnant 5 times and each time I lost a baby (my son had a twin). While in the trenches of my heartache and suffering I could not fathom how any of this pain would come to good. I tried my hardest (not doing very well many times) to believe that God's plan for my life was the best. Knowing that He wept when I wept and that He saw my pain. When I was at my lowest after my 3rd miscarriage I sought my pastor for some wisdom. He challenged me to give everything about my desire to be a mother, the good and the bad, to God. He even suggested that I physically do it. So I went out and bought a box and I decorated it all pretty. Anytime I had a negative test I would put it in the box and tell God that I knew He was in control. Whenever I had a miscarriage I would write about the pain and the heartache and put the note in the box and tell God that my life was wholly in His hands. I cannot describe how much the physical act of giving things to Him helped me. I would suggest that if you are really struggling that you give it a try, and I would love to know how it works for you.
Sadly I cannot tell you how or when your journey will end, only God knows those answers. But what I can tell you is that He does care and He does see your pain and heartache. He is always there for you. He is ok with you being mad at Him and maybe even screaming and shaking your fist. But that part of the grieving process must end and you must realize that His plan is the best plan, even if our earthly eyes cannot see it.
After four years of infertility and five miscarriages, Rian was finally able to realize her lifelong dream of motherhood. She now spends her days raising her one year old son, caring for her husband and their home. She is also co-presiding over the Amarillo chapter of Resolve. Rian has a calling to minister to women who experience suffering and heartache.
Tiffany offered for me to link to her Infertility Support page on her blog, so I've added a link to it on the "Resources" tab. It is a list of infertility blogs, from women struggling with it, to women who have beat it. I'm sure you can find all the support you need from these amazing women! Thanks, girl!!